A short little blog. . . un petit blog short
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
Il n y a n'import dans cet monde qu'expliquer mon espirt bien comme le chanson suivant. . .
Je n'y sais jamais pourquoi je suis dans ces humeurs, mais ils sont toujours le meme. . .

Titre: Angel
Artiste: Sarah Mclachlan (chante par Westlife)
<<You spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For a break that would make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release
Memory seep from my veins
Let me be empty, oh, and weightless
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

You're so tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time, it's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

Oh, you are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

In the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here >>

De tout facon, j'ai trouver un homme qui chante cet chanson. Son voix est superb pour cet chanson et il a beaucoup de talent. Actuellment c'est un group des hommes. Le group est Westlife, et ils sont de l'Irelande et aussi un de ces hommes est GAI aussi, lequel j'ai trouve interesser. Il est mignon aussi. . . :D

Apres touts les choses que m'a fait, je sens bien. . . plus. . .
Scott est sur les medicaments maintenant et quelque chose me dit que tout ira bien. . .
Tout est bien, pour maintenant. . .

A little bit of everything. . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
Well I don't know what to say. I think I need a cigarette. And not because I'm addicted, but because whenever I do, it relaxes me and makes me think long term. From now on they'll be called Long-View sticks. They help half-elves like me keep their eye on the big picture.

I think I care too much to be a calm person. It's a twisted logic, but think about it. People that don't care in a situation are rather, well, apathetic. I'm violent, rash and impulsive. I blame my mars for this. But i also bless my mars for this. My mars gives me spunk. It gives me courage to go on when others wouldn't. It gives me persistence and determination, which many I know lack.

Who are you to me? Who ARE you to me? Who are you to me that I should care about you?
Are you a friend? A lover? A lone figure of my past standing now behind me, covered by the sands of time.

That's pretty and evocative description for simply saying: Where ARE you, my people, my fellowship?

My People. Implies ownership doesn't it? Not to me. MY people. The people of the stars. The people like Wolf and Esmael, Angela and Shea. People that don't belong. We are gifts to this world.

If no one else has the courage to admit it because they fear consequence then I will.

We are special beings. All of us in some way. I don't believe this because I read it in a book, I believe and KNOW it because of what I see everyday.

People seek to "quantify" or measure things, even happiness, with questions like "What IS happiness?" It's backwards to think like that but that's what we've been taught.

Why not this: "I am happy when I have money to buy whatever want" or " I am happy when I feel good". What's wrong with this mentality?

Nothing. It's simple and it's honest and it leaves no room for argument.

"I am happy when I murder children" I knew some of you were already there in your minds. Let me touch on that. Murderers are happy, if what they are doing makes them happy. Should they be happy? Maybe. They're up there with the people that try to tell you what happiness is: they seek to eliminate happiness because they themselves have found it.
It's weird but it makes sense. I am not touching on several key points here because I don't feel like it.

It doesn't make me happy, so I won't.

I'm lonely. Reaching out is next to impossible because I don't see anything that is "open".  I'm walking through the town at night and every Inn is closed and it's raining. I feel sad. I feel trapped. I feel out of control. I feel wild in a bad way, the kind of wild that pointlessly destroys because it makes itself happy to. . .

But the point of happy is that I AND WE are happy. That violence and rage that exists in me is happy. However WE are not. The murderer can be happy. But the victims, the other part of the murderer, are not. That's the key. . .

The key. . .An object that which unlocks another object enabling it's function. What did I unlock? I need so badly to open the door.

Here I go thought rambling again. . .talking to myself when I'm CLEARLY blogging. . .
Who are you to ME? Why not murder your children? (figuratively of course) That's why violence happens. People are disconnected and they stop caring about others. They don't realize they ARE others.

You all get the point though don't you?

I love him and I hate him. I hate to love him. I hate to be near him and can't stand to be too far. It's him though. . . .

When someone stops caring that means they disconnect from you and others involved. It also means they stop caring about themselves on many levels too. Because we're one being. . . just multiple systems. . .don't you see?

Can't anyone see that? Why is everyone asleep??

Wake up damn it all of you wake up! Please. . .

Ihm alk othur dwyn alk alome. . .

I, the people, awaken the stars. . .

True story of madness and belonging. A sense of enclosed freedom that which means to restrain and release at the same time. . . like a vibrating particle. . . Trapped in itself but free to pursue whatever means.  .

Two opposing waves. . .


Truth in a less biased sense. . . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
So I was recently reading one of my friends' posts, and it kind of struck a bad chord with me, a misplaced diminished perhaps. .

You know those people that sit there and bicker about the world, and about how people don't know them and will never understand the complexities that are "them" because all everyone could ever be is mindless and thoughtless vain and judgmental beings that lie to themselves? OK now i know that was pretty specific but you know what I'm talking about . . . .doesn't it bother you? Doesn't it bother you to listen to them act and BE the same person they despise? Well it does me. . .

Now, part of me COMPLETELY agree with him. Yes people are stupid. But you're a person too. . . everyone is if I'm not mistaken. It's that same segregation of the mind, whether yours is higher or lower, that amounts to prejudice.

I don't think anyone is outright lying to themselves because they CAN. We all tell ourselves a fabricated truth to make it through the day without being struck down by judgmental people who monopolize reality. Do I monopolize reality? You bet. Who doesn't? Who in some way doesn't feel that what they experience as real isn't the truth. And just because someone else sees it as vain or dishonest, what right do THEY have to judge that?

I will say that yes, people live lies everyday. Some are pretty bad lies, like closeted homosexuals condemning gay marriages and even endorsing violence towards the alternative sexualities. Others are smaller, like someone acting like a movie star and being vain because maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.

Instead of throwing mud at people like that, why not just understand them, instead of throwing a rant about them not understanding you?

That's what I would say. . .

But then again, this lifetime is a matter of opinion and hear say. Who really knows? Who's right and wrong? Nobody that's who. There's too many goddamn people sharing billions of belief for there to be a RIGHT way. Good lord in heaven man. . . people like that don't have much to live for if they think everyone around them is stupid. . . They're alone and they miss the dynamic of the world, the other part of reality. Those people who do such things have no right to claim truth. Or even honesty.

My friends, it is time for a wake up call.

We are our thoughts. Our thoughts are primal souls of our consciousness and subconscious.
We are our voices, and our voices define us but:
Only we can define ourselves.
Everything is a choice. Everything. From the clothes you wear to the thoughts in your mind.

You all are a choice, so choose wisely.

An entrance to my mind
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel

Huh”, was the only thought in my mind when it occurred to me what was happening. Mild amusement is where I would categorize that blip. . .

I am sitting at my computer desk, drinking a can of Pepsi, (a habit long ago formed by heredity and genetics) talking to an old friend from High School (the one I thought I’d never talk to again, at least not seriously) and I suddenly begin feeling something. Now, anyone that knows me, knows that my feelings are serious because they are, well, not to sound Snape (yes everyone, a Harry Potter reference), but rare. “Enough of this”, I say to myself aloud, because no one is home to think I’m crazy for doing so. This is ridiculous. High School is over and was never really my cup of, well, anything tasty. I made an excuse to get offline before I lost gumption to analyze everything. It’s how I breath air sometimes.

What emotion you say? Nostalgia.

Now, nostalgia could be a frame of mind as well OR an emotion. In this case, it’s an emotion because my frame of mind does not include nostalgia often, but when it does it’s usually over a certain aforementioned carbonated beverage. No names, please.

Where it started.

I apologized to my old friend for never being there and for falling out. I explained to her that I felt sad that people never really changed but they still stopped talking to each other. Why do people have to change why can’t there be some stability in the things people do?

Yes the world changes all the time but it doesn’t have to hurt so much!

Wow. Where did that come from?

Why should I be hurt from the people I alienated myself from because the air they breathe is less evolved than mine?

You don’t really feel that way so why even say it?

Because you actually cared.

If you hadn’t spent so much time pretending back then that you couldn’t ever be hurt by stupid people maybe now you wouldn’t be so sensitive to that very threat!

Why is all this surfacing now?

Because it’s time you dealt with it. Stop running from something that isn’t even there. . .

What in the hell am I talking about?

Are you confused?

It’s impossible to confuse my own mind.

So what’s the excuse then?

There isn’t one.

Explain it, Jimmie Lee.

Wow why did I say that name?

Because that name still lives.

I know but I’ve made peace with it.

You have.

There’s too much to say about it all.


I sound schizophrenic when I do this to myself.

It’s critical so just quit whining and do it.

Ok. I wish I was then who I am now. I wish I was stronger then.


Because then I felt weak and angry.

But you’re still angry. At what?

Not being satisfied.

With what?


That’s vague.

I expect things from people, myself more often.

Most people do. So why let it get to you.

Because I didn’t have the high school years I wanted. I told people it didn’t bother me to not walk; to watch them succeed where I failed miserably, because I was lazy and irresponsible.

Now we’re cooking.

I’ve already thought this though.

You have. But have you told anyone?

That doesn’t matter. Why is it coming back?

Because you were never a teenager. You were an adult trapped in a teenagers body torn between what you wanted and who you were.

I know who I am.

But did everyone else?

No and they owed me that at least.


Because I’m fucking special.

Probably yes.

Girl interrupted much? I feel like I should be rocking in a chair back and forth by now. . .

You’ve taught yourself to be confident. You were never this way.

I know.

Attention breeds confidence. Confidence breeds arrogance.

I’m not arrogant.

Then why do people owe you something. Why the people in High School?

Because I always told them what was coming. I was a fucking crystal ball for those idiots and they never appreciated my foresight.

Sounds about right. Are you bitter?

Not really. I think nostalgia is bad for me though.

I don’t. I think it’s what you deserve: relive it all over again. It’s not that painful.

I know it’s not, but it’s the principal of not wanting to.

Are we even on subject anymore?

Probably not. . .

Am I crazy?

Definitely not. . .

How do I know?

Because I'm your voice of reason.

If I were a cleric. . . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
I would be a cleric of Tyr, the even handed. I think and believe whole heartedly in Karma and getting what one deserves, in the eyes of "good". What's been happening lately is my fault and I deserve every bit of it, even if I don't think so personally.

It's a well known fact that I speak out frequently, voicing where I stand and how I stand there. I make it clear who I am, what I want to be and who I am with others. . .  But what if that voice becomes a suggestion or even sometimes a push? Especially when I am angry it becomes a shove toward a direction, usually away from me. This applies to people mostly.

I think my friends are fed up with it. Whatever they decide is their own choice, but at this point I don't think I deserve not being invited anywhere anymore. There is a complete oppostie argument for this, but this is not the time.

I'm coming on a revelation, and I don't care who's there afterwards.

Thoughts. . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
    No one ever knows what exactly goes on in my head. I do though, but it's private. I always tell the truth unless I purposefully lie for a reason, and it's always for the good. All I've ever wanted was friends that understood me, in a way that perhaps even I don't understand me.

    What do you do when one of your closest friends says something about you that you know isn't true? About the way you do things or the way you are? What do you do when just even the thought of someone misjudging you makes you sick? It may all be an opinion, but what if it hurts, because you never wanted anything like this?? Questions in my mind. . . .

I never meant to do that. I never meant to do any of those things they said. I don't know what else to say. My literal position within the group was to adjudicate rules and provide something for everyone. We were all inexperienced, and all of us made poor choices. . .

I feel. . . completely let down. This is the worst feeling ever. This is actually one of my worst nightmares. Years later after gaming with everyone and having some awesome and fond memories, someone coming clean with me and pretty much saying "Well, you stunk and we could've done better for a DM. I had this in the back of my mind the whole time. Congratulations."

This is akin to another nightmare I've had. . .which now will probably come true. . .
Someone tells me they think that I've never actually been good at writing music. They were just being nice, and in all honesty, it sounds like a 5th grader wrote it.
A little over the top? I think not. . .I never thought that someone had that strong of a negative opinion about my DMing. Of course there were issues. If there weren't, I would be afraid for the group and then I would feel like a tyrant. Which is how I feel now.

Like a tyrant.

I'm the dungeon master; the tyrant who lords over his worthless players.

Writer's Block: End of the World as We Know It
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
Robert Frost speculated about the world ending in fire or in ice. Which do you think is likely to end us all: meteorite, global warming, nuclear weapons, zombies, or the superflu?

It will start innocently enough . . . the seas will warm, casing the ocean to rise which will cause disastrous storms in the ocean, cutting off trade between the major continents.

Already freakish storms in the Bermuda triangle will only worsen. . .The world will just be getting over the “swine flu” pandemic and their immune systems will be weakened, which normally wouldn't be so bad, but with the oceans warming, the water begins evaporating causing a once dormant virus hidden beneath the waves to enter the atmosphere and rain down on humanity.

 The symptoms are flu like at first, affirming conspiracy theorists’ “Super Flu”, as there is no known cure and it kills 1/3 that have it.

As if that wasn't enough, illegal and dangerous trading is being done, increasing pirate activity by nearly double. Foreign pirates will undoubtedly intercept sensitive military boats, therefore causing war crazy America to attack their nation. The foreign nation reveals that they in fact have WMDs and they are going to nuke the fuck out of those Americans.

When all else seems lost, the whole world is threatened by a massive meteor/asteroid headed straight for Earth, due date 1 Year until impact. The foreign nation decides to use their nuclear missiles to redirect the path of the asteroid.

When they fire the missiles, one prematurely detonates (they’ve been sitting for like 50 years what do you expect?) and sends radioactive particles into the atmosphere, and over a short time mutates the super flu virus into what is now known as the ZVirus, or “Zombie Virus”. Patients experience almost Hollywood symptoms of Zombie like activity: moaning, grunting, spasms in the muscle and involuntary acts of violence. Then, they slip into a deep coma, and some are even pronounced dead. Afterwards, they suddenly animate, the ZVirus creating electrical/nuclear currents in the body to animate tissue and reactivate the central brain functions causing them to now behave like classical Zombies.

It is unknown if the remaining missile hit its target, but there is hope: a handful of survivors, combating their way into a zombie infested world, led only by a rumor of a cure having been found somewhere in a now forgotten Nation.

Music and it's wonderness. . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
So my friend opened up a business creating video games. His first project is a game similar to Lumines/Tetris and he asked if I would join his team and create the music for his game and other future game projects. So now, I have an unpaying job, but I am doing what I love: writing music! It's pretty exciting too, because all the creative details are left up to me and him and I have similar creative tastes. All in all this is good news and we're going to want some volunteers to help with future games such as concept artists, storyboard design artists and other musicians/talents as well.


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