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My urges and feelings. . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Angel, Light
jeric_kautchra
I love him still. A year has passed and I've given myself the test of time and I've discovered that Bryan is inside me now, a part of me that will never leave. Whether or not our life paths separate or not, there is genuine love and care. The quiet kind. The kind with a Plutonian passion.

It's been a year since my last post. I won't apologize, not to you. :)

I have recently decided to give myself some time off form school to sort out some emotional issues with myself. It's working and I'm set up to see a counselor on a regular 1/week basis.

I am learning to give myself time and a moment to just myself. To not justify my actions according to the apparent needs of others. It's extremely difficult because I am SO sensitive to others that I can't help but to want to "fix" things like issues or their problems. I'm a born trouble shooter. I can't even let my computer run with any sort of minute glitch. . . Control freak? Possibly, but I love people and have good intentions.

Astrology teaches me that I tend to impose my will and way of thinking on others, and before I knew this was true but I greyed it out with other positive aspects. I am definitely taking another, closer look at it. I believe this to be a core, fundamental problem with why I am so sensitive and at times Hyper-Rational towards people and myself is because they are not acting according to my awareness of efficiency. I won't lie: my ways of doing things are typically better; but at the same time, I don't need to get upset because someone acts in a way that is different from me.

I am working on accepting feminine people. I fear that, being feminine, I am somehow labeled weak and somehow lesser. To some extent, culturally, this is true. This is a roadblock for me so far though: I VEHEMENTLY crave acceptance for who I am as a whole, but I reject my feminine side to be accepted. This isn't logical.

I found the root though: a beautiful twisted branch in my mind that is both loving and terribly judgmental: My mother. She is at times irrational and erratic and I sometimes have this compulsive need to be NOTHING like her. She, somehow, attaches herself as a form of femininity in my mind.

Let me tell you right now though: I LOGICALLY AND RATIONALLY know all of these things. I also know that masculine and feminine exist but are largely irrelevant to me. Truly. But to others they aren't and that's where the problem is stemming. I'm a people pleaser.

Now I'll tell you this too for those who know me super well: I am hardcore upfront about things. There's a reason: see above. As someone who doesn't want to appear to be feminine, I don't want to risk being nurturing or caring or affectionate. It's too much energy to "that" because I would then feel the compulsive need to explain that it's not girly. I know right? Irrationally and totally an odd frame of thought? Sort of. ;)

If I can learn to accept that I am, in any system of belief, a human being with both culturally and spiritually masculine and feminine traits, and learn to embrace and UTILIZE that, then I believe that my mental health and ease of living will be heightened.

See there's the catch: I KNOW all of the previous statement to be true! But it's the expectations of others that get me into negative reactions.

I want to be gay without being feminine. I want to be a man without withholding emotion. I want to care for my friends the way I FEEL inside I want to be cared for.

Do I still dislike lot of affection? YA. Do I stay away from cheesy romance? YA.

But I'm tired of being threatened my Kay commercials and Valentine's Day teddy bears. . .

It's time for a change. . .

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1 - You don't have to appologize to anyone. Just saying. Lol.

2 - I totally hear you man. It's want being two-spirit (holding both Male and Female inside of oneself) is all about. Finding that fucking balance.

Much love friend. Now I'm finally going to bed... where is my cell phone?

There's no need to apologize, after all.

I would say to just keep in mind; life is like rivers running to the ocean - each one follows its own path. Some may move faster, a straighter line that leads them to their goal and destination quicker; some may move slower, intent on overcoming ever stone and boulder; while others may take a path that winds and curves seemingly without purpose - however eventually they all reach their goal, no matter what path they take. None of these paths are wrong or right, even though some may seem irrational, but they carve a riverbed that is simply their own.

We all have that dichotomy within us, the feminine and masculine. I hope you find a balance with it and know that, while we all have our opinions and our judgements, we ARE NOT judging YOU. After all - we already know you; we've seen you at a low point and we've seen you at a high, yet we still remain here. There isn't a mystical reason nor is it just because we are who we are that we accept you for who you are. Its because you simply acted as yourself.

As Tasslehof said, there's an old kender quote (paraphrased): Don't try to hide by matching the color of the walls; be who you are and act as you act and the walls will change color to match you!

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