I love him still. A year has passed and I've given myself the test of time and I've discovered that Bryan is inside me now, a part of me that will never leave. Whether or not our life paths separate or not, there is genuine love and care. The quiet kind. The kind with a Plutonian passion.
It's been a year since my last post. I won't apologize, not to you. :)
I have recently decided to give myself some time off form school to sort out some emotional issues with myself. It's working and I'm set up to see a counselor on a regular 1/week basis.
I am learning to give myself time and a moment to just myself. To not justify my actions according to the apparent needs of others. It's extremely difficult because I am SO sensitive to others that I can't help but to want to "fix" things like issues or their problems. I'm a born trouble shooter. I can't even let my computer run with any sort of minute glitch. . . Control freak? Possibly, but I love people and have good intentions.
Astrology teaches me that I tend to impose my will and way of thinking on others, and before I knew this was true but I greyed it out with other positive aspects. I am definitely taking another, closer look at it. I believe this to be a core, fundamental problem with why I am so sensitive and at times Hyper-Rational towards people and myself is because they are not acting according to my awareness of efficiency. I won't lie: my ways of doing things are typically better; but at the same time, I don't need to get upset because someone acts in a way that is different from me.
I am working on accepting feminine people. I fear that, being feminine, I am somehow labeled weak and somehow lesser. To some extent, culturally, this is true. This is a roadblock for me so far though: I VEHEMENTLY crave acceptance for who I am as a whole, but I reject my feminine side to be accepted. This isn't logical.
I found the root though: a beautiful twisted branch in my mind that is both loving and terribly judgmental: My mother. She is at times irrational and erratic and I sometimes have this compulsive need to be NOTHING like her. She, somehow, attaches herself as a form of femininity in my mind.
Let me tell you right now though: I LOGICALLY AND RATIONALLY know all of these things. I also know that masculine and feminine exist but are largely irrelevant to me. Truly. But to others they aren't and that's where the problem is stemming. I'm a people pleaser.
Now I'll tell you this too for those who know me super well: I am hardcore upfront about things. There's a reason: see above. As someone who doesn't want to appear to be feminine, I don't want to risk being nurturing or caring or affectionate. It's too much energy to "that" because I would then feel the compulsive need to explain that it's not girly. I know right? Irrationally and totally an odd frame of thought? Sort of. ;)
If I can learn to accept that I am, in any system of belief, a human being with both culturally and spiritually masculine and feminine traits, and learn to embrace and UTILIZE that, then I believe that my mental health and ease of living will be heightened.
See there's the catch: I KNOW all of the previous statement to be true! But it's the expectations of others that get me into negative reactions.
I want to be gay without being feminine. I want to be a man without withholding emotion. I want to care for my friends the way I FEEL inside I want to be cared for.
Do I still dislike lot of affection? YA. Do I stay away from cheesy romance? YA.
But I'm tired of being threatened my Kay commercials and Valentine's Day teddy bears. . .
It's time for a change. . .
- My urges and feelings. . .