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Confession of a very old friend of mine. . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
Welcome back.

My depression is spiraling out of control. I have no handle on how I feel anymore and I feel like I have lost all control in my life.

I hate everything. I hate myself. Such hate and nothing to do about it. Nothing but cry myself to sleep at night.

I have an interview today and I am praying to whatever powers that be to give me that job so I can continue to ignore myself and continue to just be without the pressing guilt of being a terrible person. It's a weight that never lets up, and I know somewhere there is a salvation but right now it feels completely unobtainable. . . .

Salvation . . . please. . . please. . . .

I am asking you only this one time to pull me up and away from myself so I can heal and handle everything again.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to mention it or acknowledge it. If I were to say anything to myself right it would be this:

I know what's happening to you and I am sorry. I forgive you for everything, but you need to move on eventually or this will consume you. As yourself, as your better self, I am begging you to stop crying and stand up, shake hands with everyone, and check-out. Please for the love of god don't give up on your potential. . .

God. . . the very word makes me cry. . . . Everything right now is making me cry. . . .


I don't know what to believe anymore.




Bother by Stonesour

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

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