(no subject)
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
I'm awake in this hour, thinking, as I always do, about who I am and where I'm headed. My lofty head flung high in the clouds of the mind. . . These are my cherished moments: no one can interrupt me and no one can tell me to come down. . . :)

My urges and feelings. . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
I love him still. A year has passed and I've given myself the test of time and I've discovered that Bryan is inside me now, a part of me that will never leave. Whether or not our life paths separate or not, there is genuine love and care. The quiet kind. The kind with a Plutonian passion.

It's been a year since my last post. I won't apologize, not to you. :)

I have recently decided to give myself some time off form school to sort out some emotional issues with myself. It's working and I'm set up to see a counselor on a regular 1/week basis.

I am learning to give myself time and a moment to just myself. To not justify my actions according to the apparent needs of others. It's extremely difficult because I am SO sensitive to others that I can't help but to want to "fix" things like issues or their problems. I'm a born trouble shooter. I can't even let my computer run with any sort of minute glitch. . . Control freak? Possibly, but I love people and have good intentions.

Astrology teaches me that I tend to impose my will and way of thinking on others, and before I knew this was true but I greyed it out with other positive aspects. I am definitely taking another, closer look at it. I believe this to be a core, fundamental problem with why I am so sensitive and at times Hyper-Rational towards people and myself is because they are not acting according to my awareness of efficiency. I won't lie: my ways of doing things are typically better; but at the same time, I don't need to get upset because someone acts in a way that is different from me.

I am working on accepting feminine people. I fear that, being feminine, I am somehow labeled weak and somehow lesser. To some extent, culturally, this is true. This is a roadblock for me so far though: I VEHEMENTLY crave acceptance for who I am as a whole, but I reject my feminine side to be accepted. This isn't logical.

I found the root though: a beautiful twisted branch in my mind that is both loving and terribly judgmental: My mother. She is at times irrational and erratic and I sometimes have this compulsive need to be NOTHING like her. She, somehow, attaches herself as a form of femininity in my mind.

Let me tell you right now though: I LOGICALLY AND RATIONALLY know all of these things. I also know that masculine and feminine exist but are largely irrelevant to me. Truly. But to others they aren't and that's where the problem is stemming. I'm a people pleaser.

Now I'll tell you this too for those who know me super well: I am hardcore upfront about things. There's a reason: see above. As someone who doesn't want to appear to be feminine, I don't want to risk being nurturing or caring or affectionate. It's too much energy to "that" because I would then feel the compulsive need to explain that it's not girly. I know right? Irrationally and totally an odd frame of thought? Sort of. ;)

If I can learn to accept that I am, in any system of belief, a human being with both culturally and spiritually masculine and feminine traits, and learn to embrace and UTILIZE that, then I believe that my mental health and ease of living will be heightened.

See there's the catch: I KNOW all of the previous statement to be true! But it's the expectations of others that get me into negative reactions.

I want to be gay without being feminine. I want to be a man without withholding emotion. I want to care for my friends the way I FEEL inside I want to be cared for.

Do I still dislike lot of affection? YA. Do I stay away from cheesy romance? YA.

But I'm tired of being threatened my Kay commercials and Valentine's Day teddy bears. . .

It's time for a change. . .

A funny thing about love. . . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
I can't think of anything to say. . . I've rationalized my feelings a thousand times over and they make so much sense that they're confusing.
Love hit me like a lightning bolt in slow motion moving ever so slowly towards my mind. . .
A passionless existence exploded into a trillion pieces of rainbow when I first saw him. . .
There are lyrics to a song that can say it three times better than I can right now. . .

Baby,
It's been a long time coming,
Such a long, long time.
And I can't stop running,
Such a long, long time.
Can you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear that sound?
Cause I can't help thinking
And I won't stop now

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me,
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun,
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone,
On everyone.

Baby,
When your wheels stop turning
And you feel let down
And it seems like troubles
have come all around
I can hear your heart beating,
I can hear that sound,
*but* I can't help thinking.
And I won't look now.

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me,
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone
On everyone
On everyone
. . .

. . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
The rain feels good. It always feels good when you're sick. I should've just waited for it to come, but instead I called it. I justify this display by a basic need that I often, literally, forget: the need to feel.
The rain allows me to feel.
I want to hold it with the compassion a new father holds his new child. . . I cradle it with the care it takes someone to say I love you without actually saying it. . .
I know. . .
I'll always do the right thing as long as I'm not afraid. . .
I forgive you.
I love you.

The white fades and without a thought I spread my wings over their helpless figures, covering them from the rain. . . the rain that I called. The rain that never goes away. The rain that allows them to feel.

There is a special place, known to me. It wasn't given and it wasn't created. It's not anything real or unreal.

It's always raining there. And the rain is always warm. The grass always licks my feet and the leaves never fall. . .

Oh how i've missed this place. . Oh how I have just wanted to return and never come back. Oh how it hurts me so badly to call the rain again. . .

The rain that is always warm and allows me to feel. . . and never. . . . ever. . . goes away.

Welcome back :)

(no subject)
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
I wake to find myself dreaming. A sleep that cannot yet be shaken. . .

The promises of the warm and familiar waters of this place stand frozen, stinging my bare feet with anticipation of change. I cannot move and I cannot breath in this icy place. . .

When the very earth around me conspires to follow suite and give way into madness, I can think of nothing else to do but pray.

I do not pray for him and I do not pray for my situation. I pray, literally, for my soul. It's a selfish prayer; a prayer that I am not used to.

Almost immediately I receive the answer. The answer.

If the ground beneath my feet shakes and gives way to blackness, it is then time to learn how to fly. I don't know what happens if I fail, because many paths have many different outcomes. It is one of the few things I cannot know instinctively, but I have to learn. I am after all still a student of the heavens.

Astrology teaches me that, if I cannot see what is in front of me, then I can always look upwards. It gives me hope, me who typically has little else to look forward to in the grey shallowness of this world. It's a magic I cannot and will not forget. Ever.

I forgive him. I cannot not forgive him. I love him. I forgave him before and because of what happened. I can only hope that he can fogive me someday.

I need to retreat into my darkness. I need to illuminate the depths of my uncomfortableness. I need to visit, once again, my secret place.

It is different this time: I am not dimmed when I go there. I am a light that sheds into the darkness and the unseeable things.

I sleep now and when I wake, I will be free, somehow. I can only hope that my mind will follow my heart this time.


A Perfect Song
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
Rootless Tree
by Damien Rice


What I want from you
Is empty your head
They say be true
Don't stain your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me
Like a rootless tree

What I want from us
Is empty our minds
We fake a fuss
And fracture the times
We go blind
When we've needed to see
And it leans on me
Like a rootless...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out,
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that's been told
Killers reinvent and believe
And this leans on me
Like a rootless...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it,
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me , hate me,
Then hate me so good that you can let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around


And fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out,
Hell when you're around...(Repeat 4x)

Let me out, let me out, let me out...

It's hell when you're around

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo

Watch It!

Confession of a very old friend of mine. . .
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
Welcome back.

My depression is spiraling out of control. I have no handle on how I feel anymore and I feel like I have lost all control in my life.

I hate everything. I hate myself. Such hate and nothing to do about it. Nothing but cry myself to sleep at night.

I have an interview today and I am praying to whatever powers that be to give me that job so I can continue to ignore myself and continue to just be without the pressing guilt of being a terrible person. It's a weight that never lets up, and I know somewhere there is a salvation but right now it feels completely unobtainable. . . .

Salvation . . . please. . . please. . . .

I am asking you only this one time to pull me up and away from myself so I can heal and handle everything again.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to mention it or acknowledge it. If I were to say anything to myself right it would be this:

I know what's happening to you and I am sorry. I forgive you for everything, but you need to move on eventually or this will consume you. As yourself, as your better self, I am begging you to stop crying and stand up, shake hands with everyone, and check-out. Please for the love of god don't give up on your potential. . .

God. . . the very word makes me cry. . . . Everything right now is making me cry. . . .


I don't know what to believe anymore.




Bother by Stonesour

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

The Pressure of Lying
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
What can one want from people when the thing he wants is the antithesis of himself? How honest can someone really be to the world, without betraying something else?

Pressure. It builds inside. It's a zit on your face that yearns to be popped; the kind that's so big it leaves people asking where you got your face lift. It's a pressure that, if squeezed too early, can damage everything, even non related things. It's a pressure that acts like a drug: it's irresistible in the pay off but it's so short term, and you ALWAYS have yourself to face afterward.

It's the pressure of lying.

We all lie in some way. Even innocently to our children that there's a Santa Claus or not so innocently as to say that you love someone when you do not. Each is damaging in a way, but each builds a sort of character, a piece of yourself. I believe that to be true. But I also believe that building anything from a lie is damaging and will fall to destruction when caught. . . if it ever is.

I am sorry. I will bow to Humility and Truth, the way I was made to. The way I think and operate. I am sorry I lied to you. I want nothing more than to confess to you, and to hope that I can build from the ashes of fire. I lied to you. . .

I will not be led astray again. . .

Mynah Bird. . .A sign?
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
I think so, at least. . .

I found this Mynah Bird pin in the vents one day while scrounging for change to feed my soda addiction. . . It's obviously old, but the colors are still vibrant and the depiction of the bird forms an almost perfect circle, almost like the alchemical symbol. When I picked it up, the "pin" part of the token snapped off, as it was maimed already and destined to do so, leaving a kind of "coin" if you will.
The coin happens to be my favorite hues of blue and orange together with another one of my favorite colors: turquoise. Someone had dropped it on the floor and it found its way to the vents where it has waited all these years for someone to find it. . .

And I did. . .

This is no ordinary token. Its one, golden eye seems to stare at me, alluringly. I kid you not, it stares at me. I love this token but I seem to block it out of my mind, like it'll play its part when the time comes for it to. This trinket has a purpose in my life, if not only to make me think about it for a while.

I did some research on "Mynah Birds" and their magical properties. There's not a lot of information, but apparently the actual birds are very skittish towards people in general yet are often found in large, tropical cities like Bombay and Honolulu. They represent, magically speaking, "Group behavior and etiquette; clear communication"  (http://www.geocities.com/VampyressGrimoire/BookOfShadows.htm)

I read a story about a man that was very ill, to the point of going to the hospital. He had a conference to attend to for work, but his fever and chills almost made him change his mind. He decided to go anyway, because the family was tight on money. When he arrived, and as he was walking to the building, he saw a Mynah Bird on his car. He shooed it away, as they are associated with being pests, and it flew off only to land near him as he walked. He found this odd, but continued to his meeting. He gets to the door of the building when he feels a small commotion on his backpack (yes he was wearing a backpack) and lo and behold, the Mynah Bird had perched itself on his bag! He let the bird alone, and proceeded into the building, thinking maybe it would fly off, and what harm could it do? No one said anything if they actually saw the bird, but as he entered his conference room, the bird fluttered off at the site of his co-workers. His co-workers saw the bird and watched it flutter off. Then, a strange thing happened that the man didn't realize until after the meeting. As he was getting in his car, he actually felt better. By the time he got home, the fever and chills were gone and he was no longer ill. . . .

He, like me, was "chosen" by this bird. This token means something and I can't find any information on it at all that's magically related. Maybe it's not magical. I don't know but I wish it would reveal itself soon. . .

Giving up?
Freedom, Truth, Peace, Light, Angel
jeric_kautchra
This hill I've been climbing is deceptive. . . It lied to me. It's a mountain and it should've told me that before I took the climb.
I have no climbing gear. I have nothing to help me reach the top of this MOUNTAIN of troubles, worries, debt, hate, emotions and LIFE that is before me. I have my already bloody hands from fighting so many times, but I'm tired. I want to rest. I need to just stop. . .

And so I fall every time. I can't seem find my way out of this. . . There's a song that sings me to sleep every night. . . It's an incomplete song, like myself, but beautiful and true. . .

Lights. . .

So where have all the lights gone now?


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